ITunes Will Not Open (Any Version)

iTunes will not open. Process spindump is eating up my cpu. Beachball of death.
No Plug-ins exist in...
/Users/THEWHO/Library/iTunes/iTunes\ Plug-ins
I deleted...
/Users/THEWHO/Library/Preferences/com.apple.iTunes.plist
/Users/THEWHO/Library/Preferences/com.apple.iTunesHelper.plist
/Users/THEWHO/Music/iTunes
/Applications/iTunes.app
I reinstalled 8.0.1 and iTunes will still not open. Not even the iTunes menu bar appears.
Rinse and repeat previous steps but this time I install iTunes 7.7.1
I thought it was going to work because an EULA appeared. I clicked OK. iTunes menu bar appeared this time but only the menu items "iTunes and Help". Still will not open to the point of usuability.
I can't even try to download iTunes 7.6 (http://www.apple.com/support/downloads/itunes76.html) because it demands me to download iTunes 8.
What gives????

OMG it's happening again.
Crash report
http://pastebin.ca/1222969
That is really ticking me off.

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