Alien communique​, print queue lagging, printer refuses to e-print, can't find with laptop

I purchased the HP Photosmart Plus e-All-in-One Printer - Black (CN216A#B1H) to replace my top-feed printer whose ink was disappearing from retail stores. It is connected to my Mac Mini (OS: leopard 10.5) via USB, and to my home wifi network. I have a pc (OS: XP) laptop that also connects to the internet via wifi network. Here are my problems:
1. The printer refuses to e-print. I have it set up with hpeprint, and it'll connect to hpeprint occasionally, usually after rebooting. I can print using the apps on the printer, but I can't email ANYTHING to it. I've even spent an hour on the phone with HP's help center, and he's sent stuff to the printer that never printed. It doesn't matter how it's sent--attachment or in the email--or what it is, it just sits in the queue until it fails. I paid more for this feature----why won't it work??
2. I can't find the printer with the laptop. Now this may be my ineptitude with windows, but even my husband (whose laptop it is) can't figure it out. I can access the printer's url in a browser (http://192.168....you know), but I can't get the Add A Printer wizard to recognize the printer. It wants to go in through shared computers, looking for a printer on my Mini--which, by the way, for some strange reason my router won't let computers on my network access my hard-wired mini. Anyways, that's a headache for another day.
3. Last night I tried to print a copy of a legal form, and the job sat in the computer's print queue for about an hour before the printer finally started warming up to print. Then it only printed the first half of the first page, spat it out, and gave me (after about half an hour more) a half dozen pages that look like some kind of alien communique. I've actually had it do this to me a couple times in the last day, just randomly printing these pages until I cancel print. Whatthe?
Setup seemed to be remarkably easy. I just plugged the thing in and followed the prompts. But now I'm starting to have buyer's remorse. What in the world is wrong with this printer?? If you can help me clear up one or two of these things, I'd greatly appreciate it, since it means less time I'll be on the phone with Customer Service.

By the way, here's what it printed:

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