Help! Itunes library problems of all sorts...

I've been exhaustively searching for ways to merge an old library with play counts etc from a backup to my new itunes library. That still is one question (I could find help for two computers, but couldn't figure out how to use two files on the same computer-ie back up and the active library) however now in trying to do that I have really screwed things up I think.
Here are all my problems- the most recent being that I ended up trying "import playlist" with my xml file...which resulted in a ton of duplicates and still no play counts etc. So now I am hoping to back up to my last library. I had been "exporting library" to back it up before trying these things...
however the problem I was having trying the "option" trick is still in effect. Which is that I do the option, I pick "choose the library" and then all of my .xml files are grey and unchoosable.
I think that I could choose the itunes library file that does NOT say .xml from my computer-- however, I had just created the whole library from my external harddrive, and I don't find one of those files there, only on my mac directly. So will this file be the one that has the thousands of songs I just spent the last days importing? (I did that before realizing the importance of the play count!).
My harddrive crashed before all of this, so I just have the backup file that is a grey square, not the color itunes logo that I am seeing on my computer now (and this is what isn't letting me choose it).
So I guess here are my questions:
Why can't I choose the .xml files?
Does the "export library" actually create a useable backup? If so, how do I restore it?
Then if I can fix this mess- my original goal- how to keep my newest library, while importing play counts/info from a backup .xml file.
MUCH thanks to anyone who can offer me some assistance!!!!!!!!

Or the other option I am wondering about is if I can take all of the info off of my ipod, and then sync that with the new library?
Or, if need be, erase the current library. take the info from the ipod to create the base library that would have my play counts etc. However, then I would need to merge that with my master music data files, and there would be no way at this point to know which are on the ipod and which are not- so I'd need to be able to merge without duplicates.
What would you all suggest??

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