HELP! - Lumia 800 memory card not working :/

Question

My phone decided to go into the notorious restart loop - So following everyones advice on teh internet I performed a hard reset.
It loads the orange sign - then the Nokia sign - then the windows mobile sign as if the phone is about to start with the noises etc... then it decides to goto a screen says
"MEMORY CARD NOT WORKING
Your memory card has changed, is damaged or is non-compatible.
To fix this, turn your phone off and either remove the memory card or replace it with a new compatible card. Then reset your phone to the original factory settings.
To learn how to reset your phone, refer to the owner's manual"
I also get the option to make an "emergency" call or "turn off" the phone. the volume buttons also work the volume fine aswell as the option to change the phones mode from silent to vibrate or vibrate and ring.
Tried hard reset numerous times, tried charing the phone for hours on end and trying it, tried soft resets. Basically the only options i've found.
Just to add.... Why would a phone with no memory card slot even have a message stating that the memory card is faulty and that i could even remove or replace it???
I hope someone manages to help me without having to cough up £50 excess to my insurance.
Anyone come across this before?

Answer 1

Sorry, it's my standard response, but your phone doesn't work. Take it back to whoever sold it to you. It's a consumer good, consumer protection rules apply.
Your problem certainly has novelty value but if you've done the hard reset and it didn't work you're at the end of the fix it yourself stage.