How do I set up IMAP email to sync email between iPhone, Laptop and desktop

Applestore "Genius" couldn't answer and Applecare gave me wrong directions. I'm really struggling because I know it can be done!

hey,
thanks a lot for the advice. but what do you mean by SYNC? how does Mac mail on my laptop sync to my iPhone? and/or how do i tell my iPhone to sync to my Mac mail on my laptop. i have tried setting up my mac mail on my laptop first, then iPhone. hasnt worked. tried it the other way around (setting up my iPhone manually) and that created new folders on my webmail interface/server.
then there are the "keep a copy" functions under mailbox behavior — should i "keep a copy on the server"s or not?
lastly, when i set up IMAP on my Mac mail on my laptop, it keeps a set of subfolders "Deleted Messages" "Sent Messages" and "Trash" underneath an inbox server corresponding to my IMAP email. these folders then ALL show up on my iPhone, which cant send receive or sync any email.
if i just delete everything email off of each device and start from scratch, can you send me specific setup steps? (that's assuming my desktop (G4) and laptop share identical settings in Mac Mail)

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How do I set up IMAP email to sync email between iPhone, Laptop and desktop

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