How to manage two itunes on two computers and two iPhones

I have a single NAS data server that stores all my music and content.
I have a laptop, and an iPhone and apple account. So does my wife.
What is the best strategy for keeping the music in sync across those devices without keeping it local?
Currently it is very troublesome to keep playlists in sync between the two itunes applications. It is also difficult to keep the music up to date on the two computers, even though they are pointing to the same NAS directory/share.

If you are syncing Contacts, Notes and Reminders, no. That is an account (AppleID) specific function. Backups, however, are another matter and would remain separate since they are device specific.

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