How to remap volume control keys on aluminum keyboard?

I want to remap my volume control keys (increase, decrease and mute toggle) to F16, F17, and F18 on my new aluminum keyboard. But I can't figure out how to do this. I called AppleCare tech support and was told that volume key location is hardwired into the keyboard. Say it ain't so! There's got to be a way, right?
Help?
thank you!

I second this, I still think this was a poor decision on Apple's part. I loved real media keys, this is not a laptop keyboard, (Fn)+(..) should not be necessary. My real complaint comes from IF i can get it to remap in OSX i am still stuck with it as is in Bootcamp. No remapping programs work with (Fn) in XP.
Sorry for the rant but I have actually stopped using the keyboard because of this and finally went back to it to try again.

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