I'm going to set the printer on fire: A short essay

Question

Thank you HP. Thank you for the usable service life of this C6180 all-in-one rage creation machine. And here I thought I was just buying a printer. Where to start? Maybe with the fact that every time I blink, the printer becomes magically Offline, like Merlin himself was here watching me with a mischievous attitude and a crooked little wand. And to switch the printer from Offline to Online? Impossible. There is no button for that. At least not for my feeble level of intelligence. If it exists, maybe I need a Masters degree in "Navigating Windows 7", because all the normal clicking functions provide absolutely ZERO assistance in making this printer Online again. Hooray for wireless bluetooth connectivity, I feel the wave of the uncomplicated, convenient future washing over me every time I scratch at my eyeballs to alleviate the pain when the C6180 decides to no longer be available for my printing needs. Oh, there's a fix. I can simply remove the device and reinstall it, which used to give me a modicum of satisfaction, like i was exercising the evil nymphs possessing my printer. But the thrill of that has long since faded and now, as I'm in a feverish rush to get somewhere and the only thing holding me back is the network discovering my "new" printer so I can reinstall it and print whatever insignificant drivel I might need for my obviously utterly unimportant and inconsequential endeavors, the effort to get this thing "Online" seems more like the thrill associated with disembowelment or maybe drowning in a shallow, shark infested pool. It's not that I particularly mind wasting 2 minutes at a time here and there to print directions or a rebate form... Oh no wait, that is it. That is what I hate. Being forced into repeating this painfully absurd process at the whim of a PRINTER.
Further, can someone explain this whole ink thing? Why when I've printed maybe a handful of documents, the illustrious C6180 happily informs me that ALL of my ink cartridges need to be replaced?? They expire? I'm sorry, ink expires? I have a 60 year old Ho-Ho in my kitchen that I could go pound down right now with no ill effect, but the printer ink expires within my lifetime? How am I suddenly responsible, with the purchase of this delightful piece of equipment, for using up all the ink in a prescribed amount of time?? I'm not a print shop. I don't design and sell wedding invitations. I'm just a guy. I print a paper for school here and there, one day I might feel exceptionally adventurous and maybe print a picture. And now, since I have become affiliated with this printer, HP has decided how much ink I should be using and in what time frame?? No, you'll say, HP just supplies the equipment, you use it at your discretion. Fine, fine, maybe that's it. Or maybe I have a HUGE problem with spending $80 on INK that's going to EXPIRE before I can USE IT!!
Another thing.. Why is it that my printer sounds like 4 Mack trucks and a freight train colliding with a dynamite factory every time it feels like doing some "printer preparation"? I was not aware that so much steel and hydraulics and steam powered anti-aircraft ammunition could be packaged in such a small, unassuming package, and then miraculously used to print something once in a while if the stars align and the printer ink is within it's tse tse fly lifetime and the gods of connectivity have deemed me worthy for the printer to be Online. And good grief, if I try to turn on the printer or wake it up and print something, I might be lucky if the C6180 stops doing it's own thing sometime in the next few hours and returns my phone call. 30 minutes of printer preparation for a 3 page paper? Maybe that's where all that ink is going. 
And lastly, as my fury and rage begin to dissipate, I have only last question. Why, for the love of Pete, won't this thing print a BLACK AND WHITE page because the MAGENTA INK IS LOW??! Can someone please explain to me how the MAGENTA IN ANY WAY relates to the printing of a BLACK AND WHITE document?! What do I know about color? What do I really know about anything? Apparently the C6180 knows far better than I which inks (out of black and magenta) really go into printing something... black.. Maybe there's something to it, maybe there isn't, all I know is that I went to Staples yesterday and bought a $20 black ink cartridge so I could at least print in black and white, and now the printer sits there grinning at me, with my $20 in its gullet and satisfaction smeared all over its smug face. Look at it. "Cannot print" ever so happily displayed on its little screen. Orange exclamation point flashing away in cheeky mockery of my anguish. Just oozing self-satisfaction knowing that I'm writing all of this to vent, and the only replies I'm likely to see are to the tune of "Hey, welcome to the wonderful world of printers, buddy." Satisfaction that it has usurped another few precious minutes of my life. I could have been at the grocery store, or visiting my mom. Maybe I could have found love in these squandered moments. I could have worked toward becoming a better me, but instead I sat my rear end on this drum stool and hammered out a statement of hate and violent protest against this reprehensible HP creation. Even to get to this point, I had to create an HP something-or-other account to get to some place to type, because this seemed easier than setting myself up with the tech service (or any customer service) department.
I wash my hands of this. In the coming days I will decide whether to replace the remaining 5 ink cartridges in this machine or just buy a new one, because that might honestly be less expensive. Maybe I'd sell the 6180. Maybe I'd set it on fire. I know for sure I won't shoot it, that's too god for it. I want it to suffer...

Answer 1

That is priceless!!!  Thanks!  I sure needed a good laugh after spending/wasting hours & days trying to either get my c6280 to give up on its Ink System Failure fixation, or find a decent replacement.  Unfortunately I need the Smart Web Printing feature that I guess only HP has, or I'd try a different brand. And now even HP has very few models with that available.
 My error msg is a little different from those previously stated, but close:  0xc18a0201.  Even tho there were frustrations with my c6280, I did like several of its unique features which are hard to find now under $100.  I hate how HP (& I suppose other brands also) are CONSTANTLY changing models & then of course ink cartridges.
Oh heavens, I've had the c6280 a whopping 2 1/2 years!   I'm sure they want us poor slobs to have to buy a new one every year & a day!  To say nothing of the exorbitant prices for ink.  And now if this one is really dead in the water, I have SIX unused #02 ink cartridges which I cannot return---I got them in a combo pack, & for some reason have wound up with THREE lite pink & THREE lite blue cartridges, while having to buy extras of the other colors, that ran out before the others!!!   Yeah, & what's with that not being able to print in BLACK if a color runs out????
Anyway I really loved your essay!   It's a classic!  And says it all!  I hate that we have to be 'slaves' to the electronic 'wonders'!!!