I used to have a Snow Leopard that could run as fast as I could type and jump any hurdle. Now I have a mountain lion that can't get up in the morning and takes 2 minutes just to bring up the settings panel. Did Apple actually test this thing????

Apple,
How did you test this Mountain Lion? Was it in a zoo cage with just 30 feet for it to run? Because out in the open it can't even walk!
Not to mention the fact that once I had upgraded many of my preferences and setting had disappeared.
Thank you also for telling me that the upgrade would take 34 minutes - it took 56.

It did work properly, for almost everyone.
You must have something on your computer that is causing it problems. Try booting into Safe Mode and see if you still have the problems.
If not, then you have a third-party incompatibility.
If the problems still exist, I would suggest reinstalling. Lion had the same complaints. Many people fixed it just by reinstalling.
Others had to resort to erasing the drive and then reinstalling and migrating from Time Machine.
Others gave up and went back to Snow Leopard.

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