IPhone won't sync to new computer w/library from old computer HELP!

Got an iPhone4 for Christmas... already had many, many Gs of music on my PC.  Installed iTunes, purchased some music from iTunes, Amazon, sync'd some to my iPhone.  Backed up *all* my music onto flash drive(s). (PC was +10yrs old).  PC dies.  Get new-to-me computer replacement from my husband's office (some ghosts from previous user still exist). Do my best to locate all previous owners music and delete.  Load all my music from my flash drive onto new-to-me PC.  iTunes can't 'see' my music.  Figure out where library from previous PC owner is, re-direct iTunes from that library to my data.  Go onto iTunes and authorize new-to-me computer using same userid so now all library history info related to that userid should now be linked w/this newer-to-me PC, right?  Purchase more music from iTunes.  Try to sync iPhone to my iTunes account using new-to-me computer, and it wants to erase my iPod and associate it with "this iTunes library."  Crap.  I just want to put 3 newest songs onto my iPhone, which I purchased, fair & square.
1)How do I 'de-authorize' my old PC?  It is no longer alive or bootable.
2)How can I convince iTunes that the library on this newer-to-me PC is the library from my old PC, plus more added while on this newer-to-me PC and the library on my iPhone are really one-and-the-same library all belonging to me fair and square?
3)Is there a way to transfer songs onto my iPhone without iTunes running an inventory on my iPhone to try to automatically add or delete songs that are checked or unchecked?  I don't want my entire library on my iPhone. 
4)Will I have to remember to ensure every song that I want to stay on my iPhone are always checked in iTunes before syncing my iPhone to my iTunes, even when I only want to make a couple of changes? (if yes, I'll just skip that step and insert the pins in my eyes now.)
Don't get me wrong, I really LOVE my iPhone, I just really don't love a lot of the built-in 'features' of iTunes as I currently understand things.  I'd be a lot happier if iTunes were a dummer program and totally manual, in the way the older vs of MSWindows Media Player is.  (I cannot beleive I just had to admit that I like a Windows SW product over an Apple one! Deffinitely a sign of the appololypse - hope you're a 'prepper.')
Please help me.  I am so weary of the days and hours I've spent trying to find/read the answers to my questions on my own.  Many thanks.
Brianne

Hey Roaming Gnome,
hope you're having a good day!  Thanks so much for the info... although I don't really like the reality of the answers...  The answers were depressing (through no fault of your own-you were just passing on the info I asked for-I get that part and appreciate your help) so I went away to lick my wounds and gain the strength to tackle this project.  So, here's the deal, I did back up all the songs that were on my old PC, both the "My Music" folder and the "iTunes" folder within.  All on flash drive.  That computer died, cannot be resuscitated, drive HD erased/shredded, PC now in pieces... fine, I have my music, what do I care, right? (yeah, I know, wrong)  I loaded all my music onto my new-ish/replacement PC.  Not yet syncing my iPhone... Then, from my new-ish PC, I purchased some music and a few TV shows from iTunes and some music from Amazon (I had gift cards).  Then I purchased more music from the iTunes store using my phone.  Also, before my old PC died, I had downloaded (I thought), an app and some free ringtones using my iPhone.  However, I eventually discovered that they aren't *really* installed/downloaded (only the free app I got off the iTunes store is downloaded/installed). Found this out when I went to try to use a ringtone, couldn't locate them on my phone, and weren't showing up on my PC in my iTunes library... I finally found something on the app that said something about I have to sync my phone to my iTunes library, in some different way... (?)  then download them from my iTunes library back to my phone. (huh?) This didn't make sense to me, so I never did it, because I just didn't have the time to figure it out, then execute it.... at that time.
I also never took the time to set up the free part of my iCloud account because, again I didn't have time to try to figure it out, and didn't think I'd really have to have it I had all my music on my flash drive (wrong again).
1) So, how can I get my purchases (the ones that exist only on my iPhone, including rights to the free ring-tones) into my iTunes library, and or iCloud, without losing them all? 
Once I do this, I can back everything up, then sync my iPhone to my only iTunes library, which I realize will wipe my phone clean, then re-copy everything back onto my iPhone. (I can't wait to start this process... do you think it will be done before Christmas?) 
2)Also, will syncing my iPhone to what it thinks is a 'new' library, will it delete anything on my computer that wasn't in the library last time I sync'd my phone to my library?  I really don't want to pay for the TV shows again, or spend the stupid hours I spent/lost searching through and collecting the ringtones that I wanted?  I burned the hours thinking, "if I just spend the time now, I'll never have to do this again."
3)On a slightly separate issue, the iCloud listing on my iPhone in the 'Settings' menu is light gray, and does not respond when I tap on it or hold my finger on it.  Ideas?
4) In the future, if I get a new computer to replace the one I'm using, what are the steps I should take to keep me from losing music I own, existing in my iTunes library, on my PC and/or iPhone, And, cause me the least amount of heartburn possible when migrating my music world over to a replacement PC?  I don't expect this will be my last PC in life - or I'd like to think I'll outlive this PC. Can I avoid all problems by just naming the new computer the same thing as the last one?  Or does the iPhone/iTunes SW know more than just the name of the computer?  Sorry this is so long.  It would be shorter if iPhone/iTunes SW were dumb... we'd all be enjoying chips & margaritas by now. ;^}
Brianne

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