IPhoto Has Thousands of References to Photos on an Old Server

My wife and I have been using Apple products forever. When iPhoto came out, we started importing all our printed photos. In the beginning, we put all these photos on my computer to act as a server, and somehow (this was maybe 10 years ago) we got the photos into my wife's computer's iPhoto. What happened was that her iPhoto created references to the photos on my computer, rather than copying them to her computer. So fast forward 5 years - we both have new computers, new versions of iPhoto, and her computer starts spitting out errors after a minute of trying to view most photos - the old computer is missing. So she performs a months-long surgery to find the thousands of missing photos by name on my new computer and copy them over to hers, and then re-link them.
Why not just import everything? She's chosen to keep different photos from me, with different ratings, and organized them all into albums which are different from mine.
So this works for a while and then suddenly, SURPRISE! It happens again. Her iPhoto goes back to missing thousands of photos which it can't seem to find on a computer I haven't had in ten years. Every time she clicks one, it takes 60-90 seconds trying to connect to the non-existent computer (even with my networking completely off) and then complains that it can't find it.
Is she in for another months-long surgery to move these photos over to her drive and re-change all the files AGAIN? This time, it came along with the destruction of most thumbnails. Of the 20,000 photos, about half are blank or a repeat of the same wrong thumbnail.
What we've tried: I got her a new computer. I upgraded her to Mountain Lion. I ran all the non-import special functions you get from holding down command-option and launching iPhoto. They all completed except the  "upgrade thumbnails" takes about 6 hours to get about 1/8 of the way through before crashing. I have to set a book on the return key so that the infinite "missing file" pop-ups can be bypassed. I doubt we'll ever get past 1/8 of the way rebuilding.
What can I do? Is there a way to detect which photos are "missing files" without clicking each one? Is there a way to remove the references to "really old server (2)" in the iPhoto database so that at least we can avoid the 60-90 second network-checking wait after each missing photo click? I am a computer professional so I feel competent changing things in the iPhoto database if there is a way to do so.
Help!

If her entire library is a "referenced" library to photos on your old Mac that library is history.  She might as well as delete it and start over. If she has photos in that library that are not referenced and are still viewable try using iPhoto LIbrary Manager to rebuild the Library as follows:
Using iPhoto Library Manager  to Rebuild Your iPhoto Library
Download iPhoto Library Manager and launch.
Click on the Add Library button,                         
navigate to your Home/Pictures folder and select your iPhoto Library folder.
Now that the library is listed in the left hand pane of iPLM, click on your library and go to the Library ➙ Rebuild Library menu option
In the next  window name the new library and select the location you want it to be placed.
Click on the Create button.
Note 1: This creates a new library based on the LIbraryData.xml file in the library and will recover Events, Albums, keywords, titles and comments. However, books, calendars, cards and slideshows will be lost.
Note 2:  Your current library will be left untouched for further attempts at a fix if so desired.
Is your library a "managed" library?
If it is you can put it on an external HD that is formatted as shown in this screenshot
and both of you can use the same library (just not at the same time).
If that's not acceptable and her library has no photos salvageable try this:
1 - have your wife create a new managed library.
2 - connect you two Macs by a wired LAN, Target Disk Mode,  Transferring files between two computers using FireWire or WiFi.
3 - use the paid version of  iPhoto Library Manager to copy those Events from your library into hers. Also copied will be the keywords, titles, places and other metadata.
And I'd not use a referenced library again.  It's just not worth the problems it brings up.
OT

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