Itunes hates me, please help

ok first some background info,
i have 3 computers
1 (my net book) i take to work then i connect to my projector at home and use as my main computer (now running windows xp)
2 my server pc running ubuntu desktop but holds all my media and my own personal webserver
3 my "gaming" pc (made absolete by my ps3, wii and two xbox 360s...yeah i like gadgets) running windows 7
ok this may take a while to read but im trying to explain all of my problems and what i have tried so you get an accurate idea of what i need and may even think of a solution more tailored or a method i havent thought off lol
now my netbook was running ubuntu 10.4 and doing a **** good job of it, i could add my server pc using sshfs, i couldcontrol the server pc with a terminal and i had full control over all of my programes ...then i brought an iphone, and discovered that apple hate linux users and refuse to release a linux port of itunes... there are work arounds and i explored all that didnt involve me jailbreaking my iphone (i was acused of jailbreaking my phone as the new libmobile in ubuntu 10.04 mounts the phones filesytem (not all of it but the parts its aloud to, with out jailbreaking it, and was promptly given no more help despite me explaining that!) so i switched yeasterday to xp (grumble mumble grumble)
in the meantime i had been using my gaming machine and its tiny harddrive to store a duplicate of all my music just for itunes sake (aint i kind) but since to use the gaming pc i have to swap cables about and move it, and since i now have xp on my netbook i did the following,
i installed itunes from the website so i have the most recent one 9.1.1.12? i think
i mapped my server pcs storage drive as a drive on my netbook (z: drive)
i set the itunes music library as z:\music (this is where all my music is stored and audio books and mp4 files from my camera)
it took forever but it scanned the folder and added them to the itunes library and organise them (a nice little by-product of itunes)
i disabled auto syncing as i do not want my itunes library completly on my iphone only the music audiobooks etc that i choose
and connected my iphone to itunes
it verified it
and i could see it
so i clicked it and began setting it up
now the way i had it on the gaming pc was to copy the files by drag and drop from my library to my iphone icon (with the exception of apps that were auto synced, though i would rather this be a drag and drop affair too...i like to control what i put on it not any of this auto lark)
but here is where my problem starts, when i clicked apply it told me that my iphone was synced with another itunes and would have to be WIPED!!! to sync with this one, (it took 3 hours to cherry pic my music for my phone and even longer wittling the list of free apps down from more then i could fit on the phone (stupid 148 app limit) down to just the ones i wanted and the trial versions of the ones i intend to buy payday. deleteing them all NOT AN OPTION
i dont intend to sync my phone with itunes i just plan to copy the files i want to add to my iphone onto it using itunes (as apple have made sure there is no other way)
so howdo i get around this? how do i tell this silly little program that deleting the contents of my near perfectly organised phone would be a hanging offense and get it to just let me add files to my phone, back up the ones that are on there etc ?

well i had deleted my music that was duplicated on my gaming pc when i was downgrading my netbook to xp for this rather silly program so i may of deleted the file, i have no back ups of the apps, but i do have them still on my phone!
i came up with an idea, i told itunes to back up my iphone, when it finishes ...if ever!(its taken over an hour already) i just need to;
1) locate the folder it backed up into copy all the apps mp3s and movies into a spare folder
2) erase the phone
3) link it to my new itunes
4) back up my iphone again
5) copy the apps and movies and mp3s from 1) into the backup folder of 4)
6) restore the backup created in 4) with the extra files.
7) live happily ever after (optional)
well thats my cunning plan and the back up is almost done (bar looks to be 98%ish) anyone know where it puts the backups ?

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