Looking for a white hat; iPhone 4 stolen while in Afghanistan

Question

For my 21st anniversary of military service my wife got me an iPhone 4 on the release date. Life was good! 6 weeks after getting my new toy I was on a plane for Afghanistan. Life wasn't so good. Anyway, who am I to complain since I raised my right hand. When I arrived at a major base awaiting my assignment I was given orders to a real **** hole. I'm not talking a normal Afghanistan hole but one of those places where when people in Afghanistan find out where you're going they tell you how sorry they are.
After travelling to my hole which was going to be home for the next year we finally ended up on a major base for a day of rest. Let me tell you…8 days of travel without much rest, little food, and no showers isn’t conducive to good hygiene. No wonder I got so many dirty looks. Anyway, it was very warm when we arrived and the sewage pond was in full force. My buddy threw up 15 minutes after getting off the bird the smell was so bad. Since I have the stomach of a billy goat I was alright but I wasn't happy.
We were told to get a few hours of rest since our flight was going to leave in 12 hours. The tent they put us in was B.O. city. There were a few hundred guys who stunk worse than me all crammed into this tent full of bunk beds. To top it off the air conditioner was busted in the middle of August. Great, at least it was just 12 hours as we passed through. When I laid down I realized my bed was something magicians would use as a torture test. The springs could have supported a tank as they pushed into my back. Somehow through all of that I managed to doze off for a bit before the first rocket hit. My buddies went for cover but I was so mad the Taliban had the audacity to shoot at me I just laid there and hoped they were bad shots. Luckily they had a terrible aim but they did manage to hit the poop pond. The sewage pond caught on fire due to the impact and the fact a few hundred gallons of diesel had managed to spill into the pond. Now my tent smelled like B.O., diesel, and burning crap. It couldn’t get any worse I thought.
My aforementioned buddies who went shrieking like little girls after the first rocket were by now in the fetal position. One of the guys wasn’t so lucky though; when he took off for cover he tripped on a pair of boots and went headfirst into a bed frame. He was out cold. What a noob. Everyone acts different the first time they get shot at but come on, show some respect. Luckily a Navy Corpsman was in our tent and he stitched him up in a jiffy…just a gash on the forehead. Just FYI, the guy who hit his head is a d-bag and will probably morph the story into him chasing Bin Laden across the desert with nothing but a plastic spork while riding a uni-cycle. If you see a YouTube video of a guy who looks like Goober and talks like Snooki detailing his exploits while chasing 10,000 Taliban you’ll know it’s him.
That’s when it happened. While I was taking care of my troop who was gunning for a Purple Heart someone decided to take my iPhone 4 out of my backpack (he will be referred to as d-bag #2 from here on out). D-bag #2 went past the dirty underwear and half eaten MRE cookie and snagged my phone. I’m guessing he watched me put it in there. I didn’t know it at the time because I was trying to get some rest. Here’s a tip for travelers: Always take a travel pillow and sheets wherever you go. My mattress was not only hard with springs out of a ’47 Edsel but it looked like it was used in 5000 **** movies. Every bodily fluid imaginable was present and clearly displayed. Somewhere Charlie Sheen is missing a mattress.
We finally got on a plane out of there a few hours later and started our journey to hells half acre. I opened my backpack which had never left my side except while tending to the previously discussed d-bag #1 and found nothing in my iPhone case. I put it in that case just 6 hours previous. After a frantic search of my surroundings I realized it was gone.
After another 4 days of travel with even less sleep and worse food I finally managed to make it to my little corner of ****. The first thing I did was call my wife to let her know I made it safe. When she picked up the phone she started crying, cussing, and yelling at me. The person who took my phone sent my wife a text message. The message appeared like it came from me and said I’d been shot and was dying. Now the first thing that should have gone through my mind was for me to console my wife. Sadly it wasn’t. Since I was in the middle of Afghanistan with NO cell coverage the only plausible way a text message could have been sent was by someone hitting a hotspot and using the text app I’d downloaded. I was more ****** he knew where a hotspot was and didn’t pass the info than anything else! After getting back on “husband track” I calmed her down and told her to call AT&T and report the phone stolen. This happened in August BTW which was before I was introduced to Mobile Me. Also, the only tracking apps I had were things the bad guy would have had to open up.
Now I was really mad. My phone was stolen, my wife was afraid for my life and couldn’t get in touch with me, and I had no way to play Angry Birds. Afghanistan does have some cell service BTW and AT&T was gracious enough to unlock the phone three days prior to d-bag #2 relieving me of my possession. Let’s be honest here and admit we all need our phones. I’m different in that I really NEEDED my phone. I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury 2 years earlier and needed the games designed to stimulate neural activity (no, we’re not talking Pac Man even though I do think Ms. Pac Man is really cute). No, I needed my phone because I had apps designed to help people with brain injuries.
In order to fix the situation I tried to call Apple but they conveniently don’t list Steve Job’s phone number (or any other number for that matter). I even looked up the designers of the iPhone on Facebook and sent them messages. For some reason they never answered. Since I’m a little older I figured I’d try the old fashioned way and sent personal letters to half of Apple’s top management. They KNOW where my iPhone is. It would take a few seconds to look up my IMEI and serial number.
Figuring I’d never get a response from Apple (figured correctly) I had my wife shell out $800 for another iPhone 4 and had her ship it to me. I even had her send it in an expensive Pelican case that cost me $100. Somewhere between the post office in my town and middle of nowhere Afghanistan the box with my new iPhone 4went missing. FML. I waited 3 months for it and it never found its way to me. I was working with USPS since my wife insured the box but that’s another story.
Ok, here’s where I’m hoping someone can help. Since I am in the middle of nowhere Afghanistan I can’t get a police report. The police department in my hometown said they are too busy to help and even if they could they would need some kind of report from Afghanistan. I’m thinking the donuts are laced with weed in my hometown. The local Afghani’s tend their herds, grow huge amounts of pot, enjoy man love Thursday, and kill Americans (not necessarily in that order). They don’t do police reports for missing iPhones. Most have never even heard of a phone. The military can’t do anything because they’re too busy putting warheads on foreheads.
I have in my possession a case without a phone. I also have an IMEI number and a serial number. I can also produce a screen shot of my iTunes showing my IMEI as well as a text file with all of the info proving it’s mine. I need a white hat or disgruntled AT&T employee to help me out. I just want to know where my phone is. I’m in Afghanistan for the next 8 months so I’m not going to hunt anyone down. I would just like someone to tell me what town it’s in. I’ll then call the police department of that town and coordinate further communications between everyone. I don’t want to press charges. I just want my phone case to be full again.

Answer 1

Really sorry to hear about this, particularly when you're putting your life on the line. But Apple cannot track your iPhone in any way unless you had set up Find My iPhone prior to it being lifted.
It's possible that AT&T might be able to do something, but it's probably that they cannot track it, or will not without a request from an authorized law enforcement agency, but rather would only disable the device. You'll have to try and find a way to contact AT&T directly and ask if they can do anything to help you; the chances of any AT&T employee in a position to help you spotting this thread it pretty small.
Good luck, stay safe, and come home soon.
Regards.