Managing photos with iMac, iPad, iPhone using iPhoto

Help! Can anyone point me to how to gain some control over photos in this Apple environment, because my experience has been horrible so far.
As much as I love and have used Apple products since the mid-80's, to the same extent I detest the lack of understanding I have for controlling my photos across my devices. I will use the iPad as my foil, but it applies to the phone as well. I know how to search the web.
Where is a scheme described for simply managing photos? There seems no reason for many photos from my iPhoto library to be on my iPad. I have not opened the photos, nor explicitly placed them in photo stream.
I spent hours in iPhoto yesterday and deleted several thousand photos. Apparently, I only thought I deleted many if them, because they are still in my IPad and some are in iphoto.
Can I wipe out all the photos on the iOS devices, lock the devices so icloud can't put any back on until I wish, then allow me to select which I want to put on again, then start to trust PhotoStream?
Is there anyone with good information?
I really hate all the trial and error with this, and no satisfaction.
Last week I thought I sent some pictures of some people to PhotoStream to show when I went to visit them. Hours later, with iPad, wanting to show the Photos, none  i wanted to were there, by my PhotoStream share had a lot of pictures I do not care about. WTH? I have great wi-Fi. Everything is connected. Fine demonstration that was!

What version fo iPhoto and system are you running:
If you're using Photo Stream in iPhoto on your iMac disengage Automatic Upload in the iPhoto/Photo Stream preference pane:
Now you will have to manually add photos to Photo Stream in iPhoto if you want them to be on your iPhone's Photo Stream.
You can remove photos in PS from iPhoto by selecting them and Control (right)-clicking and selecting Delete from Photo Stream:
OT

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