Maybe you guys can help.

Okay.
I bought a used 2009 MBP (2.53 GHz 4GB)
I knew it only charged when I plugged it in, and just assumed it was the battery being a 2009 computer.
So, I bought a new battery on Amazon, and it was (apparently) an Apple part (or so i say because the batteries looked exactly alike)
So last night I install the battery to find that the original owner must've opened it, too, because 2 of the three battery screw slots were broken off and missing.
Whatever.
I install the new battery, and STILL it only works when plugged in. Upon plugging in the MagSafe, the light is amber for about 5 seconds and then turns to green. Last night, my MBP said "No Batteries Detected" with the black X but the battery condition was "Normal"
I reset the SMC and PRAM, and still it didn't see the battery. So I left it plugged in all night, woke up to find that the battery is now recognized, but still says: "Condition: Normal Battery is Not Charging Power Source: Power Adapter" then shows the battery with a plug inside it, with 0% next to the battery.
The computer shipped with a 60 watt charger, but the original owner replaced it with an 85 watt 3rd party charger after a pet incident.
I don't think it would be the motherboards seeing as how I just upgraded from 10.6.8 to 10.9 and the computer works flawlessly, and I guess replacing the MagSafe port is next.
Is there anything I'm doing wrong or anything that would cause this?

Third party batteries and chargers are always a high risk proposition.  You have tried the correct things (except perhaps purchasing the Amazon battery) and the best option at this point is to bring it to an Apple store genius bar.  Have them examine it and they should be able to determine what the flaws are.   The diagnosis will be free.
Ciao.

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