Messages is driving me nuts - HELP

I am a very technical person. Software and web app developer that has worked with Apples for 20 years.
I simply cannot figure out what the h@ll is going on with the Messages. Nothing syncs correctly between iPhone, Mac and iPad.
I send a message from my mac to my wife. She gets it on her phone and not on her mac. If she replies, I get it on my mac, not on my phone. If she sends from her mac, I get it but under a whole new chat on my Mac, so I am having 2 conversations.
Here is my setup :
Mac Mountain Lion Messages :
Bonjour and AIM disabled.
iMessage enabled.
3 emails enabled ( [email protected], [email protected], [email protected] )
send read receipts enabled
Start New conversations from xxx.me
Nowhere is there an option for my cell number
iPhone 5 :
iMessage enabled
Send Read Receipts Enabled
Send and SMS Enabled
Send and Receive same 3 emails and my phone number
start new conversations from [email protected]
MMS messaging Enabled
Group Messaging Enabled
Show Subject Disabled
Character Cound Disabled
My wife's is setup exactly the same with her iCloud account.
Anyone got a clue how to get this to work correctly.

OK... I am not going to say that this is 100% solved yet becasue I have thought that before but after messing about the whole morning this is what I found.
The iPhone 5 settings above are correct and must be setup first. On the mac, you must SIGN OUT of your iMessage account. Messages > Preferences > Accounts. Select iMessage and click "sign out"
Quit Messages and then relaunch it. Now sign back in to messages at the same place.
Suddenly it pops up with a message that now has the phone number (as well as the emails) as one of the places to receive messages. This never happened before.
Now make sure that Start Conversations From is set to you primary iCloud account. usually [email protected], not the phone numbers. Must be the same as the iPhone and iPad.
Close preferences.
Final step and I don't know if it's required but I closed all conversations and started fresh with new chats.
Now everything appears to by syncing perfectly and instantly.

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