Moving contacts into icloud, address book and ultimately onto iphone 5 is impossible. Why so hard?

NEED TO TRANSFER/SYNC CONTACTS FROM 500+ VCARDS ON MY COMPUTER ---> TO MY IPHONE5.
Why not just make the phone an open device? Drag and drop. I've spent three days trying to figure out how to easily get my contacts from my dumbphone to the new iPhone 5. I bluetoothed off my dumb phone to my computer. Both my iMac and MacBook Pro have the vcards. And another thing, Address Book, contacts, gmail, iTunes, whatever, I can't import multiple vcards. They have to be done one at a time.
No mass transfers of any kind? I have over 500 contacts to move. I've tried the following:
-Importing to contacts onto iMac; address book won't read vcard
-Importing to contacts on MacBook Pro w/Mountain Lion; reads vcards, only 1 at a time
-Importing to iCloud; doesn't work
-Importing to gmail contacts; only reads 1 at a time
-E-mailing 500+ to self in an e-mail and trying to open/transfer/read all on MacBook Pro and iPhone5; won't do multiple files
I know I can go pay Verizon to do it but I want to know WHY and HOW this works the way it does.
Beyond frustrated. Hulk, smash. Please for the love of god help me, and not in an "ambigous remark: sync to iCloud'" kind of way.
THANK YOU!
-Yancy

Seriously folks?  I know it was long but I added all info to negate a need for endless back/forth clarifications.  No answers???
FYI, i tried syncing contacts to google/gmail and it was a total clusterF as well.  No gmail contacts, synced iphone, gmail contacts populated w/ all info but w/lots of repeat entries.  Used seek and merge repeats in gmail and then resync but no such luck.  Lots of iterations and nothing but fails.  Seems everytime the phone and the gmail lists are "as desired" a new sync puts a ton of repeats back into gmail or onto phone.  Still perplexed and still needing help....
pretty please....

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