Okay, who's the dummy here?

Not sure where to post this because I'm not sure exactly where the problem is. I'm trying to open a file by clicking a file:// URL in a mail message. Mail responds with the message, "Mail was unable to open the URL 'file://Volumes/bla/bla/bla/spreadsheet.xls'. No associated application could be found."
At first it seems that Mail doesn't know what program to pass the protocol "file://" to, but if I paste the URL into Safari, Safari doesn't seem to know either (but Safari claims there is no file at that location), which makes me think it's a wider system configuration issue.
So I download "More Internet," which tells me "file://" URLs are handled by the Finder. So if the system knows that "file://" URLs are to be opened by the Finder, and the Finder knows that files with ".xls" extensions are to be opened by Excel, where is the problem?

file://Volumes... indicates that it is looking on your hard disk for the file. If it's there, you could navigate through the folder hierarchy on your disk and find it. What it sounds like is someone sent you the path to the file on their computer which really doesn't help you at all unless you are on a local network with them. Is the first "bla" after Volumes the name of your local drive or a drive you have access to?

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