Remote won't pair with itunes

Before we start I am runnning Windows 7
I have an iPhone 3GS and I can't get my remote app to sync with my library. Now I have all the up to date software and apps, and the biggest problem that I can see is that when I try to go into iTunes preferences I try to click the "Look for iPod touch, iPhone and iPad Remotes" button but it isn't there. My iPhone does not appear in the list of devices that it should when I try to input the 4 digit code. I haven't got any other devices to see if its just mine or not.
Home sharing does work connection iTunes to my iPhone however if the iPhone goes to sleep then it can't re-sync with the library. Any help in this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance

I also have this problem: all I have in preferences is "iTunes is not paired with any remotes" ...I'm trying to get the remote app to talk to iTunes, but this isn't helping. I've tried all the suggested hints (same network, restarting everything, blah blah blah). All I need to do is get this little bit to do what it should, but so far nothing.

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