Syncing itunes music library to iphone 4s

I have recently upgraded from an iphone 3gs to an Iphone 4s.  I have successfully transferred all my apps, data etc to the new phone but my itunes music library will not sync.  The songs are showing in my music, but 90% of them are greyed out and some tracks are duplicated!.  I have tried removing itunes from my pc (I have windows xp by the way!) and re-installing it.  this has not worked.  I have tried 'downloads' from itunes from my phone and this has frozen on the first track saying download error.  I have phoned Apple support where i spent over 2 hours (on 2 occassions) trying to sort the issue out and it still doesn't work.  Please help I am getting very frustrated and don't know what to do next, surely its not meant to be this difficult to listen to a song!!!  Thankyou

If you check the manually manage music box, tehn you could drag and drop.
iPhone User Guide (For iOS 5.1 Software)

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