Verizon DSL is horrible and misrepresented, can't get anyone on the phone so I can cancel

I tried the DSL service.  After taking three weeks to get it working, I tested it and it is horrible.  .5mbps down, .3mbps up, and pings 5 to 6 times what my crappy Comcast connection does.  This service is useless.
Customer service appears to be even more useless.  I've tried emailing to cancel service, they won't help.  I've called multiple times to the supposed 24/7 number, it just keeps saying they're closed when I select the options needed to get to service cancellation. 
HOW DO I CANCEL THIS CRAP?

In order to cancel, you'll have to call when that department is open. The hours vary from location to location, but pretty much during business hours. This is a pain, but it's what you'll have to do.
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