When I merged my iPhone and iPad contact info., I lost all of the names that my messages were posted under.  All conversations are now posted under phone numbers.

When setting up some iCloud info., agreed to merge iPhone and iPad contact info., and now most of my iPhone messages are listed by phone numbers, rather than by the person's name.  Some of the names eventually showed up, but not many, and most of those now have the husband and wife's name together or just the family name (Millers, Smiths, etc.).

No, your iPhone and your iPad should not appear in the finder.
I'm not sure what you mean about downloading photos with iPhoto being double handling, but you can download direct to a folder with Image Capture. Image Capture can also be used to delete photos from the Camera Roll on the iPhone or iPad (preferrably after they are downloaded).
You can remove the photos you synced from your phone with iTunes by syncing again with an empty folder, That will delete all the photos that were previously synced that way, replacing them with the contents of the empty folder (that is, nothing). This will not effect photos takes with the camera on your iPhone.

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