Win 8.1, Retina MBP, external display, stupid scaling

I've got a Retina MacBook Pro (Late 2013) with a 2880x1800 display, also connected to an external 1920x1080 display, dual-booted into Windows 8.1 with the latest Boot Camp drivers and the most recent nVidia drivers.
In Windows, when I go into the Display control panel and make "Change the size of all items" a little larger, then things look fine on the external display - but the laptop's display shows a teensy tiny taskbar and teensy tiny icons on the desktop.
If I check "Let me choose one scaling level for all my displays", then things look fine on the laptop's display - but the external display's windows and icons are HUGE.
And either way, if I'm not running the laptop's display at Retina resolution - even if I'm running at exactly half resolution, 1440x900 - then the laptop's display is terribly blurry. Makes me want to go back to a pre-Retina laptop.
What are the best Windows settings to have reasonably-sized windows and icons on the Retina display as well as the external display under Windows 8.1?
(Yes, this is just another reminder that I shouldn't bother trying to run Windows on a Mac ... but I thought that handling multiple displays with different pixel densities was supposed to be Windows 8.1's strong suit?)

Good point, but then it's a shame that not only can I not take advantage of the Retina resolution, but then the lower resolution setting makes the Retina display look terribly fuzzy. Even set to exactly half the resolution (2880x1800 -> 1440x900), it looks like WIndows is trying to fuzz everything instead of simply pixel-doubling it.
I understand that's a shortcoming of the nVidia driver. I'll go find the nVidia board to complain...
(I'm extending the desktop, btw, not mirroring.)

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