If i can't increase the memory on an iphone, how do i NOT upload my entire itunes library?

hi,
i'm new to this whole smartphone thing.  but i've run into this frustration and can't seem to find my way around it.
every time i hook up my phone - iphone 4 - to my computer - macbook 10.7 - they try to sync, and now i don't like having them both on the same wifi because they 'update' behind my back.  i don't want 3 days worth of music on my phone.  i would rather have more room on the phone for other stuff - apps and whatnot.
i've set every checkbox i can find to NOT sync, and to NOT update, but  they do it anyway.  the songs that haven't been copied in their entirety  have left a place-saver of sorts - a ghost that seems to interfere with  playback of songs in a modified album, or if i just try to play from  the library - which i do, sometimes.
someone on another post said that since you can't upgrade the memory on an iphone, that they should just delete some music, but it doesn't seem to let me - it puts it there without my permission, and even now that i've deleted all the music from the phone, the library is still full of all these 'ghost' songs that i don't know how to be rid of.
thanks,
nate.

Now, one at a time:
On Mac:
     Do you have the latest iTunes 11.0.4? If not download it here http://www.apple.com/support/itunes/
     Switch on  iTunes menu > View > Show Sidebar
     Connect and select iPhone under DEVICES in iTunes Sidebar.
     Go through the tabs (top right pane) Summary, Info, Apps, etc.
     and select and de-select what you want on iPhone.
     When finished, click Apply button (bottom right) and then click Sync.

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