Install SQL Server Express on Windows 8.1

Question

I've tried every version I can get my hands on (2008, 2012, 2014), and get errors of various kinds every time:  Just a few:
- the service won't start with error 2146885628.
- "An error occurred for a dependency of the feature causing the setup process for the feature to fail."
- "Wait on the Database Engine recovery handle failed."
I especially like this one during/after an install:
What version should I use?  I just need some version, any version, to do some testing with.
Second, where should I get it?  It seems every program on the web site has similar names, and the links all lead back onto each other.  An exact link would be very helpful.
If I have to, I'll install with VirtualBox in Windows 7, even. 
Thanks,
--Al--

Answer 1

I even made sure there were no services left running, in addition to uninstalling anything that even smelled of SQL in Control panel; captured another screenshot:
As for that folder, how would one post it?  At the chance summary.txt would help:
Overall summary:
  Final result:                  Failed: see details below
  Exit code (Decimal):           -2061893607
  Start time:                    2015-04-12 20:49:35
  End time:                      2015-04-12 21:14:24
  Requested action:              Install
Setup completed with required actions for features.
Troubleshooting information for those features:
  Next step for RS:              Use the following information to resolve the error, uninstall this feature, and then run the setup process again.
  Next step for SQLEngine:       Use the following information to resolve the error, uninstall this feature, and then run the setup process again.
  Next step for FullText:        Use the following information to resolve the error, uninstall this feature, and then run the setup process again.
  Next step for Replication:     Use the following information to resolve the error, uninstall this feature, and then run the setup process again.
Machine Properties:
  Machine name:                  ASUS-LAPTOP
  Machine processor count:       8
  OS version:                    Windows 8
  OS service pack:               
  OS region:                     United States
  OS language:                   English (United States)
  OS architecture:               x64
  Process architecture:          64 Bit
  OS clustered:                  No
Product features discovered:
  Product              Instance             Instance ID                    Feature                
                 Language             Edition              Version         Clustered  Configured
Package properties:
  Description:                   Microsoft SQL Server 2014 
  ProductName:                   SQL Server 2014
  Type:                          RTM
  Version:                       12
  SPLevel:                       0
  Installation location:         Z:\SQL Servers\SQLEXPRADV_x64_ENU-2014\x64\setup\
  Installation edition:          Express
Product Update Status:
  None discovered.
User Input Settings:
  ACTION:                        Install
  ADDCURRENTUSERASSQLADMIN:      true
  AGTSVCACCOUNT:                 NT AUTHORITY\NETWORK SERVICE
  AGTSVCPASSWORD:                *****
  AGTSVCSTARTUPTYPE:             Disabled
  ASBACKUPDIR:                   Backup
  ASCOLLATION:                   Latin1_General_CI_AS
  ASCONFIGDIR:                   Config
  ASDATADIR:                     Data
  ASLOGDIR:                      Log
  ASPROVIDERMSOLAP:              1
  ASSERVERMODE:                  MULTIDIMENSIONAL
  ASSVCACCOUNT:                  <empty>
  ASSVCPASSWORD:                 <empty>
  ASSVCSTARTUPTYPE:              Automatic
  ASSYSADMINACCOUNTS:            <empty>
  ASTEMPDIR:                     Temp
  BROWSERSVCSTARTUPTYPE:         Disabled
  CLTCTLRNAME:                   <empty>
  CLTRESULTDIR:                  <empty>
  CLTSTARTUPTYPE:                0
  CLTSVCACCOUNT:                 <empty>
  CLTSVCPASSWORD:                <empty>
  CLTWORKINGDIR:                 <empty>
  COMMFABRICENCRYPTION:          0
  COMMFABRICNETWORKLEVEL:        0
  COMMFABRICPORT:                0
  CONFIGURATIONFILE:             
  CTLRSTARTUPTYPE:               0
  CTLRSVCACCOUNT:                <empty>
  CTLRSVCPASSWORD:               <empty>
  CTLRUSERS:                     <empty>
  ENABLERANU:                    true
  ENU:                           true
  ERRORREPORTING:                false
  FEATURES:                      SQLENGINE, REPLICATION, FULLTEXT, RS, CONN, BC, SDK, BOL, SSMS, ADV_SSMS, SNAC_SDK
  FILESTREAMLEVEL:               0
  FILESTREAMSHARENAME:           <empty>
  FTSVCACCOUNT:                  NT Service\MSSQLFDLauncher$SQLEXPRESS
  FTSVCPASSWORD:                 <empty>
  HELP:                          false
  IACCEPTSQLSERVERLICENSETERMS:  true
  INDICATEPROGRESS:              false
  INSTALLSHAREDDIR:              C:\Program Files\Microsoft SQL Server\
  INSTALLSHAREDWOWDIR:           C:\Program Files (x86)\Microsoft SQL Server\
  INSTALLSQLDATADIR:             <empty>
  INSTANCEDIR:                   C:\Program Files\Microsoft SQL Server\
  INSTANCEID:                    SQLEXPRESS
  INSTANCENAME:                  SQLEXPRESS
  ISSVCACCOUNT:                  NT AUTHORITY\Network Service
  ISSVCPASSWORD:                 <empty>
  ISSVCSTARTUPTYPE:              Automatic
  MATRIXCMBRICKCOMMPORT:         0
  MATRIXCMSERVERNAME:            <empty>
  MATRIXNAME:                    <empty>
  NPENABLED:                     0
  PID:                           *****
  QUIET:                         false
  QUIETSIMPLE:                   false
  ROLE:                          AllFeatures_WithDefaults
  RSINSTALLMODE:                 DefaultNativeMode
  RSSHPINSTALLMODE:              DefaultSharePointMode
  RSSVCACCOUNT:                  NT Service\ReportServer$SQLEXPRESS
  RSSVCPASSWORD:                 <empty>
  RSSVCSTARTUPTYPE:              Automatic
  SAPWD:                         <empty>
  SECURITYMODE:                  <empty>
  SQLBACKUPDIR:                  <empty>
  SQLCOLLATION:                  SQL_Latin1_General_CP1_CI_AS
  SQLSVCACCOUNT:                 NT Service\MSSQL$SQLEXPRESS
  SQLSVCPASSWORD:                <empty>
  SQLSVCSTARTUPTYPE:             Automatic
  SQLSYSADMINACCOUNTS:           ASUS-LAPTOP\User
  SQLTEMPDBDIR:                  <empty>
  SQLTEMPDBLOGDIR:               <empty>
  SQLUSERDBDIR:                  <empty>
  SQLUSERDBLOGDIR:               <empty>
  SQMREPORTING:                  false
  TCPENABLED:                    0
  UIMODE:                        AutoAdvance
  UpdateEnabled:                 true
  UpdateSource:                  MU
  USEMICROSOFTUPDATE:            false
  X86:                           false
  Configuration file:            C:\Program Files\Microsoft SQL Server\120\Setup Bootstrap\Log\20150412_204925\ConfigurationFile.ini
Detailed results:
  Feature:                       Management Tools - Complete
  Status:                        Passed
  Feature:                       Client Tools Connectivity
  Status:                        Passed
  Feature:                       Client Tools SDK
  Status:                        Passed
  Feature:                       Client Tools Backwards Compatibility
  Status:                        Passed
  Feature:                       Management Tools - Basic
  Status:                        Passed
  Feature:                       Reporting Services - Native
  Status:                        Failed: see logs for details
  Reason for failure:            An error occurred for a dependency of the feature causing the setup process for the feature to fail.
  Next Step:                     Use the following information to resolve the error, uninstall this feature, and then run the setup process again.
  Component name:                SQL Server Database Engine Services Instance Features
  Component error code:          0x851A0019
  Error description:             Could not find the Database Engine startup handle.
  Error help link:               http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink?LinkId=20476&ProdName=Microsoft+SQL+Server&EvtSrc=setup.rll&EvtID=50000&ProdVer=12.0.2000.8&EvtType=0xD15B4EB2%400x4BDAF9BA%401306%4025&EvtType=0xD15B4EB2%400x4BDAF9BA%401306%4025
  Feature:                       Database Engine Services
  Status:                        Failed: see logs for details
  Reason for failure:            An error occurred during the setup process of the feature.
  Next Step:                     Use the following information to resolve the error, uninstall this feature, and then run the setup process again.
  Component name:                SQL Server Database Engine Services Instance Features
  Component error code:          0x851A0019
  Error description:             Could not find the Database Engine startup handle.
  Error help link:               http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink?LinkId=20476&ProdName=Microsoft+SQL+Server&EvtSrc=setup.rll&EvtID=50000&ProdVer=12.0.2000.8&EvtType=0xD15B4EB2%400x4BDAF9BA%401306%4025&EvtType=0xD15B4EB2%400x4BDAF9BA%401306%4025
  Feature:                       Full-Text and Semantic Extractions for Search
  Status:                        Failed: see logs for details
  Reason for failure:            An error occurred for a dependency of the feature causing the setup process for the feature to fail.
  Next Step:                     Use the following information to resolve the error, uninstall this feature, and then run the setup process again.
  Component name:                SQL Server Database Engine Services Instance Features
  Component error code:          0x851A0019
  Error description:             Could not find the Database Engine startup handle.
  Error help link:               http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink?LinkId=20476&ProdName=Microsoft+SQL+Server&EvtSrc=setup.rll&EvtID=50000&ProdVer=12.0.2000.8&EvtType=0xD15B4EB2%400x4BDAF9BA%401306%4025&EvtType=0xD15B4EB2%400x4BDAF9BA%401306%4025
  Feature:                       SQL Server Replication
  Status:                        Failed: see logs for details
  Reason for failure:            An error occurred for a dependency of the feature causing the setup process for the feature to fail.
  Next Step:                     Use the following information to resolve the error, uninstall this feature, and then run the setup process again.
  Component name:                SQL Server Database Engine Services Instance Features
  Component error code:          0x851A0019
  Error description:             Could not find the Database Engine startup handle.
  Error help link:               http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink?LinkId=20476&ProdName=Microsoft+SQL+Server&EvtSrc=setup.rll&EvtID=50000&ProdVer=12.0.2000.8&EvtType=0xD15B4EB2%400x4BDAF9BA%401306%4025&EvtType=0xD15B4EB2%400x4BDAF9BA%401306%4025
  Feature:                       SQL Browser
  Status:                        Passed
  Feature:                       Documentation Components
  Status:                        Passed
  Feature:                       SQL Writer
  Status:                        Passed
  Feature:                       SQL Client Connectivity
  Status:                        Passed
  Feature:                       SQL Client Connectivity SDK
  Status:                        Passed
  Feature:                       Setup Support Files
  Status:                        Passed
Rules with failures:
Global rules:
Scenario specific rules:
Rules report file:               C:\Program Files\Microsoft SQL Server\120\Setup Bootstrap\Log\20150412_204925\SystemConfigurationCheck_Report.htm