IPhone Calendar Events ALWAYS have sound even when event on the Mac does not.  How do I turn sound OFF on these events?

I make a new event, I set the Alert = Message (NOT "message with sound").  When event happens on the iMac there is no sound.  Same event, syched to the iPhone, has sound.
I have deleted events, recreated, synched.  Absolutly certain Alert is "message only."  No change in behavior.
I have checked all preferences. iCal is set to automatically add an alert but I make sure I add the alert myself without sound.
I just found the iPhone settings/sounds/calendar.alerts and I set this to "vibrate only."  I assume this will shut off the sound on ALL calendar alerts.  That's not really what I want to do (I want sound on some events, just not on every event) but if that's the only option available I'll take it.
Can I get the iPhone to do what I tell it to do instead of overriding my settings?

If it is not in Airplane mode then look here:
http://support.apple.com/kb/TS1692

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