I want to set my HP product on fire and throw it out of the window into the path of a steamroller

Question

Hopefully that gets someone's attention.
I'm having serious problems with my printer that, having been run around in obligatory circles on the customer assistance section of the websit, I need to talk to someone about before I do something that invalidates my warranty. 
F2480 All-in-One (USB)
Run on:
AMD Athlon 2500+
1.83Ghz
768MB Ram
Windows XP (Service Pack 3)Professional (2002)
For background my printer is new, with new cartriges and new paper. I have tried the most logical solutions on the website, including pulling plugs out and waiting for 40 minutes (nothing changed, unsurprisingly), checking the settings, examining the ink cartiges and making sure the paper is fresh.
My problems are thus:
I have never gotten my printer to work as it should. At first, I had to print a test page everytime I wanted to print anything else. I thought that was odd but hey, I don't use it that often and so it wasn't a big deal, so long as it would print what I needed it to print.
Now, I find that not only will the device not print, but it cannot even rise to the challenge of printing a Self Test Report, a contingency which is not covered on the website and which, unfortunately for me, seems to be the single most important factor in figuring out what's wrong with the little...it. I haven't done anything to it, I haven't made any changes at all, I put it back in its box to move house and I have just unpacked it and reinstalled it and...it's worse than ever.
I have even tried to print a Self Test in Stand Alone mode, it just makes a really unhealthy grumble like I've asked it to do some work and then throws up a blank page.
The most recent error with my printer is that, when asked to print a document, it prints a garbled third of a page, then refuses to do anything else. It's not even the first page in the document. I assumed this was something to do with it not communicating properly with my PC but I don't know why this would be the case and the solutions on the website were, in the event that my problem could not be resolved by that particular page, self-referencing. After circling round on my predicament a couple of times I decided the only way I could get any sense out of this was by just asking someone who makes or services the **bleep** things.
I have absolutely no idea what is wrong with it and I'm thinking of creative ways to destroy the device, because I'm sure that would be infinitely more satisfying than wading through god-knows-what bureaucracy to get my money back.
Can you help me?
"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions."
- G. K. Chesterton.

Answer 1

Embie wrote:
I was told by support that my problem was a hardware problem and that HP would not replace the faulty hardware.  Great.  I will replace my faulty hardware manufacturer.  Simple, HP never again.
In the hour since you have registered you have posted seven messages, none of which contain any useful information that would allow someone here to help you.  Please read this post then provide some details in a new thread.  What printer model? What operating system? How is the printer connected - USB, wired LAN, Wireless LAN, bluetooth?  What is the problem you are having (with the printer...)?
Bob Headrick,  HP Expert
I am not an employee of HP, I am a volunteer posting here on my own time.
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