Noob Advice in English Please?

OK I'm completely new to Illustrator. Never even tried it out before. Don't even have a lot of experience in working with graphics programs, other than the one that I've been using to create my PNG files, which is Paint.NET. Now just so you guys don't think that I'm completely taking the easy way out here and not looking through the FAQ and searching for other similar questions before asking this, I know. I've seen them. They're just not helping me out here and I'm seriously not wanting to spend the next week and a half just trying to figure out how to do the one simple thing that I need Illustrator CS5 for over my usual process.
I make designs for a T-shirt shop online. Now as long as all I'm doing is making normal-sized designs that fit onto the normal-sized t-shirts, everything's fine. I can churn those puppies out from sunup to sundown in a program that I've already learned, no problem. When I decide that I want to make something that requires a different sized printable area, all of a sudden just changing the area through the re-sizing tool is too complicated for the distributors. So fine, I'm trying my hand at turning these into vector images.
I am NOT trying to turn these into flash (which for some reason seems to be the only info I can find on these forums for this issue). I'm not using Firecracker or Firework or Sparkler or w/e that other program is that was in the rest of the answers. I just want to know STEP-BY-STEP, how I turn a PNG file into a vector .eps image. That is ALL these images will ever be used for. To start with, I'm not even worried about changing the colors or adding layers with other colored text (that'd be nice to know but, baby steps first). I'm not overly concerned about it being super sharp since it's going to be printed on fabric anyways, it just needs to work. Talk to me like a six year old if you need to, just give me a step-by-step process that I can recreate. I've got over 500 designs that I've already created, and I would like to eventually get this done for all of them. I know that's going to be an insanely long process (not to mention re-adding them to the distributor's website, filling out the descriptions & tag information, etc for those parts alone I'm looking at probably 40 solid hours per shop, of which I have four seperate ones) so please take pity on me and don't make me have to spend forever and a day figuring this out on my own on top of all of that. I'd really appreciate any help anyone can offer me. Thanks.

Talk to me like a six year old if you need to
Okay.
You already know the answer:
You don't know what you're doing. And you're too lazy to buckle down and learn the necessary technical aspects of what you want to charge people money for doing.
Because you don't know what you're doing, you don't even provide enough information in asking your quesiton. What repro method is being used? How many inks? Line art or contone? In short, you don't even know enough to act as a liaison between whomever knows the answers you need and the printing source you are using.
Because you're lazy, you actually think there is a one-size-fits-all step-by-step procedure for "converting" any given PNG image you may ever produce into vector-based paths that will be suitable for whatever T-shirt printing method is being used by whatever online T-shirt printing source you're talking about, at whatever size may ever be needed. Guess what: If there were a one-size-fits-all step-by-step procedure, you would not have to perform it. There would simply be a "Send for T-shirt" single-click button in the software.
In other words, you just want to paint in the one graphics program with which you are presently comfortable with complete reckless abandon, without any concern whatsoever for technical requirements of reproduction, and yet consistently get commerical-quality results.
There is only ONE step-by-step procedure that will work for someone of your mindset (and judging by the countless posts in this forum much like yours,  you are far from alone.)
Follow this procedure exactly:
1. Find someone who does know what he's doing.
2. Get him in direct contact with your printing source.
3. Pay him whatever he charges to re-create your PNG files as suitable print-ready files.
Was that in plain enough english for you?
JET

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    USB Human Interface Device (2x)
    Standard PS/2 Keyboard
    Logitech HID-compliant Cordless Mouse
    Synaptics PS/2 Port TouchPad [Mouse]
    USB Composite Device
    USB Root Hub (3x)
    Generic volume shadow copy

    You can use ANY 2.5" SATA hard drive of any size in that system.  I would recommend one of the Western Digital Scorpio BLue's as they are reliable and offer good performance. 
    If it runs Vista it will run Windows 7.  I would wait a bit before trying Win7 though as Toshiba hasn't released all of the Windows 7 drivers yet. 
    As for Windows XP, while it is possible to install XP on that system (and quite easily for that matter) Toshiba doesn't provide any of the XP drivers needed to get it to run properly.  You could determine all of the various chipsets the system uses and go to each chipsat manufacturer's support site to see if they provide an XP driver to get it working, but I don't guarantee that they have all of the needed drivers.  If you do decide to go ahead with this let me know and I'll post the directions for installing XP onto a SATA hard drive that doesn't ahve a floppy drive. 
    Right now your best choice is to replace the old hard drive and restore the system from your Acronis image.  When ALL of the Windows 7 drivers become available you could install it in a dual boot configuration to determine if you prefer it or not.  It is both a step up and a step back from Windows Vista.  Some people will like it while others won't.  Only you will be able to determine which you prefer.
    If you don't post your COMPLETE model number it's very difficult to assist you. Please try to post in complete sentences with punctuation, capitals, and correct spelling. Toshiba does NOT provide any direct support in these forums. All support is User to User in their spare time.

  • English please

    Just spent half a day downloading CS6 Master Collection. A selection of languages are offered at the instal stage. Non of them English. Now what?

    Do you have an option for International English?  Are you downloading the trial for Master Collection CS6?  If so where did you download the trial from?  Finally can you provide a screenshot of the language options you do have available?

  • Problem with App not in English Please help

    I purchased ITuran GPS for the UK for$39.99 It says the Language is English. It is in Hebrew. How do I get my money back? I contacted ITuran and they confirmed it is indeed in Hebrew.
    CLIFF NOTES: The App page says English its in Hebrew i want a refund.

    OK I figured it out myself by trial and error and re downloading the app 3x. I cant read hebrew and had to guess which button was for English since its in Hebrew.

  • Http, advice about instalation please.

    Could somebody who as had FTTP installed clarify something for me. I'm waiting for mine to be installed and believe that where the fibre comes into the building there will be a box like the master phone socket. I have had the Home Hub 5 delivered so that would connect directly to this box, no need for a modem etc. From what I've been told by BT my phone service would still be over the copper wire. The reason I'm asking is that a survey was done last week and the Open Reach guy did point out where they would run the fibre to the property. This would be great as all that would be needed is to go through the wall and terminate there, as this would be right next to the computer and all that is needed would be to plug the Home Hub in and no need for extra cables. If it has to be installed next to the phone master socket, then there would be a need to run a cable from there through a door and round a room. The first option would seem to be the best for me and the cheapest solution for Open Reach. I have had a look at the help pages but all they seem to show is for HTTC and the Home Hub 3.

    The engineer will carry out any work needed just explain where you need things placing
    If you want to say thanks for a helpful answer,please click on the Ratings star on the left-hand side If the reply answers your question then please mark as ’Mark as Accepted Solution’

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