Siri NEVER works with relationships and my contact card

Siri works just fine on anything that does not involve accessing my contact card. That is, these commands work:
"Call [Persons's Name]"
"Remind me to buy batteries"
"What's the weather"
"Whats my schedule like?"
But if she has to access my relationships, "sorry, something's wrong" immediately. These won't work:
"Call my girlfriend"
"[Person's Name] is my father"
"Remind me to buy batteries when I get home"
"How do I get home from here?"
Things I've tried:
Toggling Siri off and on
Turning phone off and on
Switching to a new contact for "my contact info"
Removing and re-setting up iCloud
Resetting network settings
And many combinations.

Yes, I read the entire thing. It is dealing with a much simpler problem. I'm well aware that I can edit relationships from my own contact card. And how to adjust Siri's settings to use my contact card.
What it doesn't explain is why, no matter what, Siri will not even make an effort when given any task that would require accessing my contact card (which is where my relationships are stored).
So, yes, Siri knows which contact card is mine, and yes, I'm aware that my relationships are stored in there.
Quick scenario to explain:
Let's set my contact card in Siri's settings to a NEW contact, with no info but a name.
"Siri, [Person X] is my mother"
"Sorry, Something's wrong..."
Or, let's set my contact card in Siri's settings to a full contact card with a home address and a person set as my "mother":
"Siri, how do I get home from here"
"Sorry, Something's wrong..."
"Siri, call my mother"
"Sorry, Something's wrong..."
In any scenario, the text is being properly transcribed. But Siri doesn't know what to do with it.

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