Unable to install RSAT 8.1 (in the United States)

I've got Windows8.1-KB2693643-x64.msu, I'm running Windows 8.1, I'm a USA user with locale set to United States, yet RSAT says "the update is not applicable to your computer". Is there a reason why not? Heck, I've got it installed on my tablet!
Just not on the new laptop...
OS Name    Microsoft Windows 8.1
Version    6.3.9600 Build 9600
Other OS Description     Not Available
OS Manufacturer    Microsoft Corporation
System Name    {mumble}
System Manufacturer    Hewlett-Packard
System Model    HP ENVY TS m7 Notebook PC
System Type    x64-based PC
System SKU    E0K83UA#ABA
Processor    Intel(R) Core(TM) i7-4700MQ CPU @ 2.40GHz, 2401 Mhz, 4 Core(s), 8 Logical Processor(s)
BIOS Version/Date    Insyde F.43, 12/23/2013
SMBIOS Version    2.7
Embedded Controller Version    147.73
BIOS Mode    UEFI
BaseBoard Manufacturer    Hewlett-Packard
BaseBoard Model    Not Available
BaseBoard Name    Base Board
Platform Role    Mobile
Secure Boot State    On
PCR7 Configuration    Binding Not Possible
Windows Directory    C:\WINDOWS
System Directory    C:\WINDOWS\system32
Boot Device    \Device\HarddiskVolume2
Locale    United States
Hardware Abstraction Layer    Version = "6.3.9600.16408"
User Name    {mumble}
Time Zone    Pacific Standard Time
Installed Physical Memory (RAM)    8.00 GB
Total Physical Memory    7.93 GB
Available Physical Memory    4.14 GB
Total Virtual Memory    9.18 GB
Available Virtual Memory    4.29 GB
Page File Space    1.25 GB
Page File    C:\pagefile.sys
Hyper-V - VM Monitor Mode Extensions    Yes
Hyper-V - Second Level Address Translation Extensions    Yes
Hyper-V - Virtualization Enabled in Firmware    No
Hyper-V - Data Execution Protection    Yes

The documentation has been updated to reflect that RSAT for Windows 8.1 requires full release versions of Windows 8.1 Professional or Enterprise. This can now be found under
the System Requirements on the download page and on
the RSAT wiki article in the third paragraph.
Note that extracting the MSU file to install RSAT on an unsupported release or edition of Windows is a violation of the Windows EULA.
Brandon
Windows Outreach Team- IT Pro
The Springboard Series on TechNet

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