Brand-spanking new T61's screen is blank after hitting power on button.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  I've been at this for over 6 hours.  I've tried everything in the lame troubleshooting manual, and almost everything from the Lenova's website.  Here's the deal:  I hit the power button... blank screen.  Battery, A/C, (Z) all on.  The fan whirrs to life, the HD makes some subtle sounds. I look up--AH! Black screen, nothing.. and it's quiet out there, too quiet (No beeps, just the constant whirring of that fan, mocking me!)  I've done all possible combinations of re/dis/connecting the A/C cord and battery.  I've reseated the HD and DIMM.  I pounded several FN key combinations for a good amount of time, and nothing happened. Just to see if I could make it beep, I held down several keys until I might hear that "beep...beep...beep...", but Oh No, this T61 is giving me the cold shoulder. But, hey! The DVD drive works! Oh baby, I'm in business! It seems to be able to read CDs. Maybe if I put in a movie, I can sit back and pretend I'm watching it; but that's only fun for so long.
Now, for the questions:
1) I go to this link: http://www-307.ibm.com/pc/support/site.wss/document.do?lndocid=MIGR-45707&selectarea=SUPPORT&tempsel... . And check out all the various things for it. It says: 1) Reseat DIMM. Derrr, ok, done!  Power on, nothing. 2) System board.  Hmmm, system board? What about it? Would they like me to drop kick the system board?  It would be enjoyable, but maybe a little unproductive.  What's it mean by "system board"?  What do I do with the system board (1)?
2) Also, how do I check to see if the LCD is properly connected? (How do I reseat the LCD connectors (2)?)
3) The power is fine, AC cord and battery are fine. It's not on standby mode, not overheating, the LCD cannot be illuminated by a flashlight.  How do I test the laptop with an external LCD (3)?  I plugged in my monitor to the laptop's side port, but nothing happened when I powered the laptop on, so what am I doing wrong? [Option 3 might be my best bet to fix this.]
4) I can't see much, so I'm not sure if there's a problem with the BIOS. If there is, how do I go about fixing that?
 Additional info:
    Although I would love to, but I can't test this laptop with different hardware since I don't happen to have any random T61 laptop parts lying around.  I would love love love to get an expert to do this, but I love to learn and love to save money.  Warranty? Ship it in? Nope, I'm gonna be 3000 miles from the USA soon.
Questions? Comments? Criticisms? 
-Thanks for reading 

As a last ditch effort try removing the battery and power supply, press the power button 50 times holding for 30 seconds on the last one, plug in power supply and try to start up without the battery.
T60 2623-D7U, 3 GB Ram. Dual boot XP and Linux Mint.
T400 2765-T7U Windows 7
Registered Linux User #160145
FYI: I am not employed by Lenovo

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